Be with Aunt Luddy today.....

Frankie,
Remember when you were away from home I would keep a light burning in the house? To find your way home?
Well, I still do, and want to ask you to do the same for Pops and me....Keep your light bright, so we can find you as we die...
Mamadukes

Frankie, we miss you more than words could ever say.....

My first ever canvas painting. Did it at a painting party last night.
Its Griffy, and I wanted to show it to you.

wHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BE GONE?
yOU ARE SUCH A PART OF ME, SO FAMILIAR. I AM HAVING A HORRIBLE TIME TRYING TO WRAP MY HEAD AND HEART AROUND THE FACT THAT YOU ARE....DEAD?! iTS BIZARRE AND UNTHINKABLE. mY FRANKIE? nO. eVEN AS i AM WRITING THIS, i AM SHAKING MY HEAD, LIKE ...NO...NOPE...UH UH.
i FEEL LIKE i AM WAITING FOR YOU TO WALK IN THE DOOR. lIKE i AM WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME, SO i CAN TELL YOU THIS OFF THE WALL STORY, OR SHOW YOU SOMETHING I MADE, OR WROTE, OR SAID....I WANT YOU TO SMILE AT ME IN THAT PROUD WAY, LIKE YOU DID WHEN i DID SOMETHING OR SAID SOMETHING THAT TICKLED YOU....iTS LLIKE LIVING IN LIMBO. YOU CANT BE GONE FRANKIE, YOU CANT BE GONE MY LOVE. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH IT. I KNOW ITS REAL, BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I CAN CALL YOU. OR YOU WILL COME DOWN THE STAIRS....I MISS YOU SO MUCH, MY BOY. I CAN'T BEAR IT.

Monday, January 11, 2016

My hands,
like magnets.

Find the walls
of his room.

I try to sleep.

Brain matter
slips from my ears
to the pillow.

It is
the slow exile
of my soul.

I am slipping
into madness.

I miss him.

             I miss you so much, my beloved son.

What you do for others around you, you do for yourself. What you do for others around you, leads them to do for others around them, which, like a boomerang, will end up benefiting you and those you love as well. We are all here for each other, and we all affect each other, whether we realize it or not. The more you do for the good of the whole, the better the world will be.
   
Zantamata, Doe (2012-01-18). Happiness in Your Life - Book One: Karma (pp. 83-84).  

I miss my boy.
I miss his anger,
and his joy.

Each of us has been given gifts and talents. Our combinations of gifts are unique to us. Though we may look at others and think we may never be “as good as” they are in something, or that “we’re better than” someone else in something else, those comparisons really do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. It’s kind of like saying, “That grand piano will never drive as fast as that sports car.” Well of course it won’t, it wasn’t designed for driving. It was designed to play beautiful music. Rather that feeling blue about what we do not have or who we are not, we can learn to appreciate what we do have and exactly who we are. It just requires a shift of focus. If your passion and talent is in one area, even if the area doesn’t seem to be practical, it’s important that you develop your talent and enjoy it as much as you can. People around you can benefit from it, and most millionaires and billionaires were made because they had a passion for a certain thing and a career or business formed around that passion. The world may not need another chef, or another party planner, or another actor. But the world really doesn’t need another anything. There are plenty of people to fill all the roles in society. What the world DOES need, is more passion and joy. When you love doing something, and you share it with people around you, thethe joy is contagious. You can inspire other people to get more active in what they love doing, whether it’s the same as you or not. To use your gifts and celebrate them is an incredible display of humility as it shows that these gifts are appreciated and were given to the right person.

Zantamata, Doe (2012-01-18). Happiness in Your Life - Book One: Karma (p. 14).  . Kindle Edition.

"They say that everyone dies two times. Once, when they stop breathing, and a second time, a while later...when their name is spoken for the very last time...."

I read this, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I say your name each and everyday many many times, out loud and in my head. Now, after reading this, I will say the roll call out loud every time I think of someone that I have loved and lost.

 I cant breathe from missing you Frankie.

Jackie was sleeping over last night. I couldnt sleep, and got up and went into your room to paint for a bit. I have been feeling uninspired lately...but, last night I TORE into a page, and was working at a fever pitch. Then, I laid down in your old bed (for a minute), and was out until Pops came in at 6am with Jackie piggybacking! Not a bad way to wake up. I am trying to do more of my own art, instead of collaging. I am afraid, but am watching a new artist I love, Gisele Grenier. She does unedited sessions, and I love her narrative. I have learned so much already. I want to paint my own worlds. I am afraid, but I know I will break through. I am afraid of mistakes, and fear that I may discover that I have no talent. I know we all have talent, and I like my collage work...but I want my OWN work to express myself. I feel it might be harder than I thought to break that barrier. But, I keep watching videos, and shuffling my own feet. But, its a process, right, my boy? I know you are there with your green light, and love, and support. I miss you so much, Frankie. I miss you so much, it is so physically painful. I never knew grief could be so painfully complex, and all consuming...You are in everything I see, do and am. In all things, there you are. You always will be....

I was in your room, doing my art. I looked at the door and got up and walked over to it. Under the shirts, and scarves, are the pants you wore on that last day. They still had the belt in the loops. I sobbed, as I grabbed them and held them to me. They still smell like you, and it is profoundly heartbreaking to smell the "you" that is forever gone. I miss you, my son. I dont want this life without you. I know things can never be as they were, but I still pray that this is all a mistake, or a dream, and I will wake up. I plead with the universe, everyday. In soft whispers, I repeat over and over, "please....please..." It is my mantra. I love you, my brown eyed boy....for eternity. -Mama

I make the brass bowl sing three times every morning before I walk out the door. I hit it three times, and blow you a kiss and tell your picture that I love you. I have to get the door shut before the last vibration disappears. Its a morning ritual...I miss you so much, my son. Its unbearable...

I was making the bed, crying this morning. I was thinking of you, and how many more years of beds I would make in my lifetime. How many more years will we live without you. Will you fade from our minds and hearts like an old photo? i can't bear the thought of you being gone that long from me....I don't know exactly how to explain this awful feeling of getting farther away in time from you. My son, my son, my son...I want the world to have known you longer, and you the world....


I wanted people to see you become the man you were meant to be, the father, and the friend. You were so loved, and loving, and good. But I know you were evolving, I could see you "becoming". Why did you have to go so young?!? Why? Why? I miss your laugh, I miss your jibes. I miss you, even when you were being "Cranky Frankie". I still smell the shirts hanging on the back of your door. But, your smell is fading, and that scares me more than anything. I can't explain these horrible fears and sadness. I just want to get to you. I don't know if you are floating out in the universe, or sitting on the right hand side of Buddha, or God, or a highly evolved Alien....I miss you son of mine. You shine in my soul, and I will never stop missing you or loving you, or remembering you. -Momz

The night before last, I was in the living room. It was about 10PM. Griffy dog stood up abruptly, and started barking towards the kitchen.  It startled me so, that I got up to look to see what he was barking at. The front door was closed, and there was no reason for company that late. I looked, and started to walk closer, I was seeing something I couldn’t wrap my brain around. I thought my eyes were buggy from being tired. I was seeing a green colored, moving  light…but, that isn’t a good enough explanation. It was like a green aurora borealis , muted and miniature. As I approached, I could SWEAR it took on a playful, almost dancing movement. The hair on my arms stood straight UP! I knew  it was you, Frankie. It wasn’t even something that I thought about. No, “Could it be, maybe it’s,…” There was not a conscious thought, I just KNEW it was you. I could feel the joy in it. Then, I got scared. I turned around and ran into the bedroom, and WOKE your Pops up. I was scared and excited and I was happy all at once. He woke up and smiled when I told him. He believes you are here all the time. I do to, sometimes I talk myself into it, out of desperation. But, Frankie…this time…it was SO unexpected, and GENUINE!!!!!!!

After I came back into the living room, the glow was gone. But, I still felt you. And, I said to you, “ Frankie, remember when you were still in human form and how scared you got when you had contact with the ghosts in our house? You were excited, but scared too? Please have patience with me, because I am still in human form, and I am scared and happy. I want you to be here when you can, but forgive me if I am afraid sometimes. It came as such a surprise. If you can remember how it feels from my end, proceed haunting us whenever you want, as much as you want…but remember we are human, and proceed with that in mind.” I then went back to the couch, and wasn’t afraid…only happy. Wolfgang was all creeped out, and he was on the couch with me. No room to sleep. So, we all went to your room. Griffin on the floor, Wolfie with me on the bed. I felt like I was being cradled by your spirit. We fell asleep, and slept all night. Frankie, I love doing my art in your room. I feel closer to you, and I know you inspire me, and feel your hand on my shoulder. I know how proud you are that we are trying to “live” without you…I wish we could have done art together. I KNOW you would have had a blast, and when I make a particularly satisfying, or funky piece I have a conversation with you about it, sometimes silently. Sometimes out loud. I picture your handsome face, and I smile back at you. Your face is filled with love, and it is bittersweet. I love you, my Frankie Boy…