"They say that everyone dies two times. Once, when they stop breathing, and a second time, a while later...when their name is spoken for the very last time...."

I read this, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I say your name each and everyday many many times, out loud and in my head. Now, after reading this, I will say the roll call out loud every time I think of someone that I have loved and lost.

 I cant breathe from missing you Frankie.

Jackie was sleeping over last night. I couldnt sleep, and got up and went into your room to paint for a bit. I have been feeling uninspired lately...but, last night I TORE into a page, and was working at a fever pitch. Then, I laid down in your old bed (for a minute), and was out until Pops came in at 6am with Jackie piggybacking! Not a bad way to wake up. I am trying to do more of my own art, instead of collaging. I am afraid, but am watching a new artist I love, Gisele Grenier. She does unedited sessions, and I love her narrative. I have learned so much already. I want to paint my own worlds. I am afraid, but I know I will break through. I am afraid of mistakes, and fear that I may discover that I have no talent. I know we all have talent, and I like my collage work...but I want my OWN work to express myself. I feel it might be harder than I thought to break that barrier. But, I keep watching videos, and shuffling my own feet. But, its a process, right, my boy? I know you are there with your green light, and love, and support. I miss you so much, Frankie. I miss you so much, it is so physically painful. I never knew grief could be so painfully complex, and all consuming...You are in everything I see, do and am. In all things, there you are. You always will be....